“So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
The crawling locust,
The consuming locust,
And the chewing locust,
My great army which I sent among you.
You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
And praise the name of the Lord your God,
Who has dealt wondrously with you;
And My people shall never be put to shame." Joel 2:25-26

When I was a little girl, maybe 6 or 7 years old, I remember an incident that happened at a family friend's birthday party.  I thought it would be a good idea to jump onto the huge "Simba" Lion King float and nail the landing, all in the spirit of fun and youth.  I wasn't showing off, I was just being a kid.  What happened after was one the scariest most traumatizing things to happen to me up until that point.  I took the leap.  And missed the landing.  The thing was the float was in the deep end of the pool.  As I missed the target, I slipped under this huge raft and got caught underneath.  Somehow I got out from under it, and was doing my best to stay above water, and trying to use what energy I had left to scream out for help.  I remember seeing my dad in the spa with my little brother, and my tiny gasps for air mixed with faint "dad's" didn't reach his ears.  I felt the last of my strength go, and I couldn't keep paddling.  Just as that happened, I remember a man diving in and pulling me up from under the water.  I was shaky, embarrassed and unsure of ever swimming bravely on my own again.  Maybe I made some sort of unconscious vow that day, to never go near the deep end alone.  Or ever.  

Now, I'm going to use that metaphor - the deep end - to describe the emotional, deep end places of my story that I've left untouched for quite some time.  Shallow water has just always felt safer to me after my courageousness failed me that day so long ago.  Shallow lets things be brushed off, swept under the rug, leaving the hard things untouched and continually putting the mask of "I'm alright" on.  It's a place of stagnancy and that's the place I fear more now than ever before.  Week 1 of 2018 was filled to the brim with opportunities to JUMP out to the deep end so to speak, and I didn't let the fear of missing the landing stop me from leaping right in the pool.  The things I was called to do this week terrified me, but I did them anyway.  One such thing was speaking out about sexual assault, an even more traumatizing thing that happened in my life since that near drowning incident.  What I had to realize and actually it wasn't until a friend called it out for me, was that assault sounds like a violent offense but any sort of misconduct, abuse can be constituted as such and that things that have happened to me in my life were not okay.  I was asked to be a part of the latest issue of Angelic Magazine, this issue spotlighting sexual assault/abuse and giving voice to the people that have had theirs taken from them due to this epidemic.  I saw this as my chance to be brave and  I knew it was the Lord's gentle hand held out to see if I'd join Him on the dance floor so that we could discuss this matter further.  You know when you see two people slow dancing together, what are they always chatting about?  Well, this is what He invited me to talk about this week. Practicing using my voice and speaking out about such hard things, is my adult "pool".  I was timid on the sidelines, dipping my toes in to see if it was too cold, too deep, too much to share.  The lie I believed was that sharing things like this open up room for judgment, shame, guilt to creep back in but it's actually quite the opposite.  It is the best advice to just dive in, not checking the temp of the water, but just going for it.  So I did.  And I'm glad.  I've gone to the deep end of the pool all this week, and it's been the best place for me to start.  For getting my voice back, for owning things and reclaiming things once stolen from me.  I felt this was a test run, the first jump in.  And you know the feeling of diving in a pool and how exhilarating it is?  You just keep getting out and jumping back in, that's how this felt.   

I could have sat and critiqued myself in this first attempt to share parts of my story that are so delicate.  I could have gotten stuck on what I could have said, should have said, shouldn't have said, but instead I gave myself a break and let the Lord just have His way in it all.  I've only just shared pieces of my story with friends who are safe havens, whom I trust and putting out in the open seemed a little bit too much like diving in and missing the landing.  But it didn't miss the landing at all.  It nailed the target right on the head.  Because as I ripped the bandaid off and listened to what I'll share with you, I heard resiliency in both myself and the other sweet girl who bared her heart for all who would come to listen.  And I heard steady voices even despite shaky hands and trembling hearts (on my end anyway), and as I listened, I was driving past some of the very places my hurt and pain had been inflicted.  The walk down memory lane and the flashbacks of trauma I've experienced were now being repaved by roads of redemption and hope and healing through this podcast and magazine issue.  It was a powerful moment and I'm inviting you to share in this, to invite you to go back to the deep end, where the deep humiliation or shame or pain happened, to come out of the shallow end where your feet can still feel the ground, and come to the place where you're simply relying on the LORD to not only hold your head above water but will firmly place your feet on it, walking beside Him... or in my case slow-dancing on water, above the deep end, like a glass floor, looking below the water to see where the trauma had been, but I was above it now. 

Sometimes things are too scary to share, too hard to confront even with yourself but if you're finding yourself in the deep end, gasping for air - reach out and let God be your safe haven, the place you go to spill all the ugly, painful, scary, traumatic, scarring things that have happened to you or by you.  It's important to not keep it all bottled in.  And please, please know, these things don't define you.  You aren't the mistakes of your past, you aren't the labels cruel people or ignorant people put on you, you aren't the horrific things done to you or by you.  In Christ, you are forgiven, you are victorious, you are remarkable and you have a purpose and the Lord is waiting for you at the deep end, hand extended out, ready to help you through healing and shallow waters made deep once more. 
You can listen and view the Angelic magazine issue speaking out on sexual assault here.

I think for a long time it was easier to live without this defined in my life because with definition and resolution, there comes this choice of do I hold onto this for me or do I share it with others in hopes that what I share will help in some small, humble way?  I apologize to anyone who hears this for the first time from a podcast and not face to face.  But this time, I choose to share anyway.  Unafraid of who I'm making uncomfortable in the process, and fully trusting its message lands on hearts crying out for healing and hope. 

From my deep to yours, 
Alysha