A Look Back on 28
I'm just now getting around to publishing this. I'm 2 months into 29 and it's already been a fun ride. The year kicked off with a trip to Kauai and a leadership conference in Las Vegas, NV. Ohhh, Vegas. Side note: a chapter in a biography about my life could be titled the "Vegas Era". I wasted quite a bit of time and money in that city in my early twenties. But God! He has taken me on a "redemption tour" so to speak. Retracing my steps and covering ground the enemy of my soul tried to stake his claim on many years ago. The retreat I attended in Vegas was called Leading and Loving It. What a time of refreshment I didn't know I needed. And what gratitude filled my heart as I reflected on the God who rescued the girl who once frequented Vegas for many different reasons, yet now came back for an entirely new reason. He foresaw my hands lifted high in worship, in a church in Las Vegas. NV. He saw that I'd be standing firm in my faith, sold out, living only for Him.
I sat and reflected on my 28th year right before turning 29 and never hit publish. So here it is a couple months late, but hey, better late than never.
a look back
"A couple Sunday's ago at my church, Harvest Christian Fellowship, we all joined together as our pastors and worship team led us in an extended time of worship to rejoice and thank God for all He had done in the lives of thousands at the SoCal Harvest ten days ago, where thousands of people gave their lives to Christ after Pastor Greg Laurie shared the gospel message. It was a powerful hour and a half service. That reflection and gratuitous spirit continued ushering people into God's presence. United hands and hearts were postured in praise, kleenexes were being passed around and it was just a sweet time soaking in who God is and all He's done for us as a church and as individuals.
I wanted to stay in that attitude of thankfulness by looking back on all God has done in my heart and in my life this 28th year. I have one more day left of 28 and I realize I've learned a lot of new lessons this year and some were lessons repeated. He's brought many beautiful new memories and established friendships that will only continue to grow deeper this side of eternity.
I'll always remember how I began my 28th year of life because it was so out of the realm of normal for me. I woke up with the sun and went for an uphill run. I thought, "Hey! Maybe this is what 28 will bring! More running..." Wishful thinking. It just happened to be off to a great start. I was living in an apartment in Riverside with three roommates/friends. My birthday celebrations continued and I remember feeling loved and known. But there was a cloud looming overhead and I had to fight against feeling blue. There's something about birthday's that cause me to be very aware of whose in my life and whose not. There was the absence of certain people I missed greatly and it was tempting to allow those grievances override the sweetness of those who were in my life and showed up and were loving on me.
The gift my mom chose for me and the note that came with them had impeccable timing. It read, "You decide who stays in your life. Only spend time with those who miss you when you leave and value your presence." Que the tears. Take no one or no thing for granted, lesson learned and applied right away. That note lifted me right back up and put me in the right frame of mind.
28 brought its excitement and its challenges. I was called to lead a small group in Virtue women's bible study, which stretched me in new ways. I was responsible for corresponding with and keeping track of nearly 30 women at one point. And what could have been overwhelming, was always worked out by the grace of God and the support of an assistant leader (who by the way has the cutest southern accent). I couldn't have done it without either. All on top of learning to navigate managing a full time wedding photography business. The sweetest part? God chose to pair me with an assistant leader who was also a wedding photographer and whose birthday is just 4 days sooner than mine.
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I had some pretty big decisions face me at the start of my 28th year. One of them being whether or not, I'd spend a few thousand dollars to invest into a photography workshop in Uganda. I've wanted to go to Uganda for quite some time for a few different reasons, but I thought, "Wow! A photography bridal workshop with the Nile River as the backdrop? SIGN ME UP!" And I did. I applied. And guess what? I got the exciting email one morning, that I had been chosen to go! I did some sort of high pitched squeal. But this habit to "fly by the seat of your pants" got me into a bit of a pickle. I had two weddings sandwiched on either end of this trip. Meaning I'd be jet-setting across the globe after one wedding, squeezing in the workshop and jet-setting home just to make it to the next wedding. This left no room for errors. I had big faith on this. I was sure that God could cover the cost, work out the logistics and since He'd opened the door, He foresaw there'd be no delays with flights, etc. And the confidence I had came from much time spent in prayer, even with others about this very big decision. That's what prayer does. It bolsters our faith and we can trust the end result because God is in control.
And He always answers. Sometimes in the way we hope and other times not. In this case, He answered in a way I didn't see coming but He had me covered. I'll admit when I got the "We regret to inform you, the trip has been cancelled email" I breathed a sigh of relief. And talk about mercy, what was a non-refundable down payment to secure my spot, was refunded! And it wasn't a small amount of money. I learned a lot through that whole experience. But one standout takeaway was to stand on the truth that my identity does not rest in what I do or how good I am at it. I battled with comparison and discontentment with my progress in my work and thought this would be such a great opportunity to expand my network and portfolio. But the Lord showed me this through that, "I have chosen you". And reminded me my worth isn't in accomplishments, or titles but in Christ alone.
Almost as an accolade to the not going to Uganda, I had the opportunity open up to have my testimony and photography featured in a magazine, that was pretty exciting!
In December, my latest project kicked off in Page, AZ. I didn't know at the time that trip would mark my new project "kicking off". It was still just a dream and vision at that point in time. But in the last 8 months, God has made it evidently clear this project is His project and I'm excited for the development of it. I'm still waiting a little bit longer to go into further detail about this new project, but I'll share more soon.
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The love life
I know I don't publicly talk about my personal life aka relationship status very often, primarily for lack of material, but 28 brought some invaluable lessons in that department. I've been single for about 5 years. A solid 5 years. That is an entirely different subject for a different day. For now, let's just say God spared me from something that could have resulted in a lot of hurt. But in His infinite wisdom and mercy, He didn't allow anything to be prolonged or become something it was never meant to become.
God has had to continually speak into my worth, because it's one of the hardest things for me to believe. After years of habitual negative thought patterns forming, after some really unhealthy relationships B.C. (before Christ) He's given me truth nuggets to hold onto when I want to revert into that rut of thinking those dehumanizing thoughts about myself. Primarily so that when I think of settling or not believing what sort of man He has reserved for me, I can think on these things and see the way He sees me. One of those is, "Do not remove any jewels from your crown. Do not make it lighter for any man to carry. I have a man strong enough to carry yours".
Also, it's so important for us girls who desire to be married one day to know this. Your present status is not plan B until the man appears in your life. For too long, I treated the present as plan B as I waited on plan A to come to fruition. But now I see this as plan A and because of that, contentment resides in my heart as I live wholeheartedly in what's now instead of holding out for what's to come. It gives you permission to rejoice in what you're in right this very moment. Even if it's not what you always imagined or thought your life would look like.
The Lord also gave me an analogy using my purse (haha) back in March at the More Conference. Again, I had this sure idea of what the future held and I hold onto to ideas pretty tightly once I make up my mind. What God was doing was asking me to release what I'd taken on for myself to carry. A friend and I had dropped off our purses in her trunk after serving at the registration table because we wanted to be bag free, so we could just walk around freely and enjoy. As I laid my head down that night, I heard His voice say, "Just like you set down your purse, I need you to put down all you've been collecting and carrying so that your arms are free to receive what I do have for you. Leave it. Set it all down. Every hope, every dream. And trust me." I have to admit, I don't always expect to walk away from conferences with breakthrough's. But He surprised me or rather I surprised myself. I allowed His Spirit to move within me. I obeyed. I let it go. And you know what? I felt lighter. And walked a little freer and was enjoying everything so much more.
I could go on and on, this is just March that I'm at! Summer was filled with a bride-to-be study, preparing to be a godly wife which I've got to tell ya, again, I went out of sheer obedience. Not an ounce of me felt like studying material about becoming a wife to someone someday. After all, I had just laid that hope and dream down at the feet of Jesus. But I'm so glad I committed to it. I was so blessed by hearing from other women's stories and hearts. The more you step out in obedience, the more you see feelings can be so deceiving. It's good to do things outside your comfort zone every now and then.
romans 12:2
He always gives me a word for the year and this year's was RENEWAL. And He had done just that. And is still doing that. Still renewing my mind and transforming it and calling me into accepting myself and who He made me to be and into a deeper love with Him and others.
Like a waterfall relentlessly pounds creating a deeper and deeper pool, so is He relentlessly pouring out His love, creating a deeper and deeper reservoir in my heart to be able to hold all the goodness He still has planned for my life. WHO He has for me, WHAT He has for me, and I fully trust the WHEN and the HOW and the WHERE. It's been a year of instilling new habits in me, milestone moments with friends, learning the virtue of kindness (speaking kind words out loud and to myself), much laughter and giving myself grace through it all and to try again tomorrow if today was just a little off. It's been a journey to get me here but I'm embracing it. Every single bit of it. And I cannot wait to see what 29 has in store."